Fearing Joy

As I make my way through the healing journey, I am coming to realize that I most fear joy. The honest deep belly laughing joy that lets you float away from your worries. To immerse myself in the peaceful unencumbered pleasure of it. To trust that in my travels there, the world wouldn't crumble while I was away. That I could invite the parts of me that had to dissociate to survive, learn how to daydream instead.

I'll be the fool chasing clouds, wandering aimlessly as people stare in judgment, discussing how we will surely run ourselves off of a cliff. What they don't know, nor do they have the inclination to see, is the wings that are hidden even from me. That cliff is no longer my demise, but an act of faith as I finally learn to fly. I will be off to far off places that we could have never known existed.

Today I will heal, more than to alleviate the pain.

Today I will heal to live the life I never dared to dream.

Today I will heal so that all of me, every little part of me, will know the freedom of the air running through our wings.

Today and everyday forward, I will know peace, I will know joy, I will know love.